On a bar: "Free beer, topless bartenders, and false advertizing" On the gate in front of a parking lot: "The gate closes after each car DO NOT CHALLENGE THE GATE" "Please NO Apricots Foods Coffee Iguanas (on leash) Plaid Clothing Ice Cream Taffy Thank you so Much" At lip of pit "Bottomless pit
65 feet deep" On a door (presumably not of a brothel) "This is not a brothel
There are no prostitutes
at this address" On the outside of a hospital "Family planning advice. Use rear entrance." On a door "Do not knock if you are selling:
✩Windows
✩God
✩Or anything else
-unless its cookies-
go ahead and knock if its cookies.☺" At a carnival "You must be 46 inches to ride yourself" On the front of a beauty parlor "DESTROY hair and beauty salon" On the front of a school "Pansy Kidd Middle School" On the front of a store "BBQ's Tanning Beds" "DO NOT SET YOURSELF ON FIRE" On a church marquee "HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS. TEXT WHILE DRIVING IF YOU WANT TO MEET HIM." On bathroom door "Gents toilet out of order. Please use swimming area." Marquee in front of a kindergarden "I love my dad because. . . Fathers Day is June 20" Above an aquarium octopus tank "please don't flash the octopus" "CAUTION During a fire alarm, metal doors will drop from ceiling" On a church in Chinatown "New BJs 99¢" In a bathroom "Warning This bathroom fan does not vent outside. It only sucks air into this wooden box above the toilet. Sorry for the inconvenience, I hope I didn't make your number 2 uncomfortable." Next to an elevator "Do Not Urinate in Elevator" On a cemetery gate "Breath should be held when passing the cemetery as breathing is disrespectfuk to the dead." At a park "Attention Dog Gaurdians! Pick up after your dogs. Thank you. Attention Dogs! Grrrrr, bark, woof. Good dog." "Warning! This sign has sharp edges! Do not touce the edges of this sign." (in smaller print) "also, the bridge is out ahead" On a beach "Beyond this point, you may encounter nude sunbathers eating waffles" In a public restroom stall: "CAUTION. This toilet is fitted with a random jack-in-the-box cleaning system." Two signs on the same post: "STOP" and "No stopping any time" Highway sign: "Lodging next exit, state prison" On a golf course: "Anyone caught collecting golf balls will have their balls removed" Roadside: "Accidents are prohibited on this road" On the front of an large store: "0% off select items" By a nature trail: "Do not molest trees and shrubs" On a gas station food mart: "Diesel Fried Chicken" On a circuit box: "Touching wires causes instant death. $200 fine." Roadside: "Children left unattended will be towed away at the owner's expense" In a WalMart "ATTENTION: Do not display this sign" On a door "Keep Inout" In a hotel room "No smoking the bed" On a peice of factory equipment: "Warning. This machine has no brain. Use your own." On a beachside cliff: "No jumping/diving into ocean. No landing in water after having jumped." Roadside: "CAUTION Kids might jump in front of your car." On a circuit box: "DANGER DO NOT TOUCH! Not only will this kill you, it will hurt the whole time you are
dying." Wall: "The first aid kit was removed from the wall because it posed a safety hazard." On an ice machine: "Ice is currently NOT AVAILABLE due to freezing temperatures." By a hiking trail: "Please try to walk without walking." Entrance to a graveyard: "Baby Head Cemetary" On a 'wet floor' placcard: "Caution! Democracy"
Copyright © 2009 - Guthrie Devine. All Rights Reserved. If anyone attempts to violate the terms of this copyright © dark beings from beyond eternity will hunt them down and force them to watch Telitubbies until their eyes bleed and their ears burst into flame. Or until their eyes burst into flame and their ears bleed, whichever comes first. Violators will also spontaneously contract either a flesh eating virus, or herpes, loose their left knee, be forced to move to a third world country that hasn't been founded yet, and get anally probed by Martians at exactly 5:16 AM on the second Thursday of every other month. Finally, they will be required to lease their soul to Satan, or any other satanic entity, for at least three hours a week. They will also make me very sad. If anyone believes that this copyright © agreement is too harsh, they can contact my lawyers Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson. Thank you for your time. Have a nice day.